Saturday, August 30, 2014

Life Moves On

The first week of classes at the U of A are done!

As the week went by things got a lot better. I swear, after the first day I was really starting to dread the semester, especially if it was going to be that busy (see other blog post). On Wednesday it was as though half the people were missing, and I even arrived later.

I thought it was my imagination the first day, or I just wasn't paying enough attention, but they have added "bells" in every classroom I've been in. They go off at the top of the hour and then at 50 minutes. Kind of nice and keeps the professors from letting their lectures run for too long. Some of them sound like the school bells you hear in Anime, which was a little... different, but nice nonetheless.

Unfortunately, I found that I am not as strong as I want to be. As I may have mentioned before, my schedule was a little... skewed due to having a potential 3-4 hour break between classes. I thought I could handle it... no, hoped.

Now, you may say, "It's only 3-4 hours, you can work on homework, find somewhere to nap, or ... etc". However, let me stop you before you do. Try it. Just, try it. It's something I won't repeat in the future.

The class is listed as ECE 304A, and is a technical elective (or required course for some) for Electrical/Computer engineers. The teacher was really great, and a lot of the people in the class I recognized and they knew me as well. I love the material that was going to be taught in the class, and finally I was going to be able to get back into the equipment labs! Make no mistake, this was the class I was looking forward to the most this semester.

At the end of the class, I hung out with some of the people I knew, and asked them about their class schedules. Nearly everyone of them had this as their only class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It was on Tuesday and Thursday that they had their other classes. I would have been doing the same... but that's another story and wasn't meant to be, nor will I make any excuses for it.

Most of them asked me what I was doing (or will be) doing in those breaks. I told them I really didn't know and I would have to think of something.

After class I hung around for awhile, sitting in the parking garage. It was practically empty now, and dark with the monsoon storms lingering.

"Kind of like how I feel right now".

I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for this semester. The two morning classes are important prerequisites that I must get done, and are the last two blocking me... rather binding me. Completing them will free me to make my own choices for the rest of my degree. The afternoon class could be used as a tech elective or be one of my last prerequisites.

"The end game."

"MY end game."

I dropped the afternoon class.

I cannot help but feel ashamed for doing so. I have had a hard time speaking with anyone since then. I just have wanted to be alone.

"You just want to feel sorry for yourself."

"You're just a weak piece of trash."

But I can't just be looking back and feeling this way. I have to move forward. I have a goal, I have my end game. I'm not going to back down.

"I am not afraid."

I will exercise everything within me to do well with my other classes. I will see this through until the end. Life can be strange. In one moment if could be shitting on you with the worst things possible, other times it can bring about a revelation and sense of peace.

I can still hear the nagging voice in the back of my mind. But I will not give in.

Life moves on, and I must learn from my mistakes.